Get out of jail free… almost.

The Onion has a great satire piece that hits the bullseye when it comes to Christian dogma. I’ve written before about how Christianity gives a free pass to sin, but The Onion, as usual, puts its satirical wit to good use and hammers the message home.

The first few months behind bars were the worst of my life. Every night I’d stare into the darkness, waiting for the nightmares, waiting to hear those horrible screams all over again. Even here behind these thick penitentiary walls, there was no hiding from what I’d done to that poor family.

Then, one night, it happened: I lay alone in my cell, my only companion the visions of wickedness that filled my head. Suddenly, there was a light, and somehow the light spoke to me. It was the voice of Jesus Christ. He told me he had died for the sins of mankind and all could find peace through his salvation. Was I ready to repent?

Uh, let me think about that for a sec. Yup!

It was a stroke of unbelievable luck. Here I thought I’d spend the rest of my life agonizing over that night I broke into a random house and methodically tortured all five of its residents, but Jesus was like, “Nah, you’re good.” He took all those years I expected to wallow in suffocating guilt for having forced a mother to choose the order in which I strangled her children and wiped them away in a jiff.

Which is ironic because the family I murdered in cold blood was praying to Jesus like crazy the whole time.

It gets better… and really shows the horrid problem with Christianity. It really says that you can do whatever you want and all you have to do is accept Jesus and confess your sins and everything is put right. It’s a free pass to engage in abhorrent behavior.

Although the piece on The Onion is satire, it could be mistaken for sincerity (if it weren’t on The Onion). It’s fairly easy to see how thinking like this can arise from Christian beliefs.

Sure, every once in a while, my dreams are interrupted by the image of that 6-year-old with a broken neck pointing at me, but that’s why I keep ol’ 1 John 1:9 taped to my ceiling: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Pretty straightforward, right? And it’s not like that kid isn’t in heaven right now, bathing in His loving light and everything.

See, God’s looking out for both of us.

Many vocal Christians condemn atheists, saying that if we don’t have the bible to guide us, we’re free to engage in whatever behavior we want… without consequence. It’s simply not true. There’s no escaping the consequences of our actions. There’s no redemption for terrible acts other than that granted by those who’ve suffered from our actions. If I wrong someone, I can ask him or her for forgiveness. That’s my only option.

Christians, because of their dogma, have the easy out of asking God (or Jesus) for forgiveness. It might make them feel better but it’s irresponsible, self-centered, and hurtful toward those they’ve wronged. Christianity does, however, allow for repeated reprehensible behavior… with the eternal “Get out of Jail Free” card.

The Onion brings it home with the closing line…

Had I known that sooner, I would’ve killed way more people.

…because Christianity allows it.


1 Comment

  1. Sadly, I’ve met plenty of Christians who think like this. The Onion article would be darkly funny if it weren’t so TRUE! Chilling…