The Onion has a great satire piece that hits the bullseye when it comes to Christian dogma. I’ve written before about how Christianity gives a free pass to sin, but The Onion, as usual, puts its satirical wit to good use and hammers the message home.
The first few months behind bars were the worst of my life. Every night I’d stare into the darkness, waiting for the nightmares, waiting to hear those horrible screams all over again. Even here behind these thick penitentiary walls, there was no hiding from what I’d done to that poor family.
Then, one night, it happened: I lay alone in my cell, my only companion the visions of wickedness that filled my head. Suddenly, there was a light, and somehow the light spoke to me. It was the voice of Jesus Christ. He told me he had died for the sins of mankind and all could find peace through his salvation. Was I ready to repent?
Uh, let me think about that for a sec. Yup!
It was a stroke of unbelievable luck. Here I thought I’d spend the rest of my life agonizing over that night I broke into a random house and methodically tortured all five of its residents, but Jesus was like, “Nah, you’re good.” He took all those years I expected to wallow in suffocating guilt for having forced a mother to choose the order in which I strangled her children and wiped them away in a jiff.
Which is ironic because the family I murdered in cold blood was praying to Jesus like crazy the whole time.
It gets better… and really shows the horrid problem with Christianity. It really says that you can do whatever you want and all you have to do is accept Jesus and confess your sins and everything is put right. It’s a free pass to engage in abhorrent behavior. (more…)
From The Onion comes another hilarious piece titled Evolution Going Great, Reports Trilobite. I so love evolutionary satire. Here’s a bit…
“It’s a wonderful time to be alive,” said the tri-lobed creature, its protruding feelers and antennules twitching spasmodically with anticipation. “To be born during this, the Cambrian Explosionâ€”why, I couldn’t imagine a better period, really. It’s all happening right now! I mean, if things keep going the way they’re going, what with evolution taking off and everything, pretty soon we’ll have huge, towering reptiles roaming across the earth.”
“Can you imagine it? Reptiles!” the trilobite added. “I’m not even sure what those are!”
The Onion generally has great satire and this piece about the Sumerians looking on in confusion as the Christian god creates the world is no exception. It’s simply brilliant!
It starts off with this:
Members of the earth’s earliest known civilization, the Sumerians, looked on in shock and confusion some 6,000 years ago as God, the Lord Almighty, created Heaven and Earth.
According to recently excavated clay tablets inscribed with cuneiform script, thousands of Sumeriansâ€”the first humans to establish systems of writing, agriculture, and governmentâ€”were working on their sophisticated irrigation systems when the Father of All Creation reached down from the ether and blew the divine spirit of life into their thriving civilization.
From there, it just gets better.
According to the cuneiform tablets, Sumerians found God’s most puzzling act to be the creation from dust of the first two human beings.
“These two people made in his image do not know how to communicate, lack skills in both mathematics and farming, and have the intellectual capacity of an infant,” one Sumerian philosopher wrote. “They must be the creation of a complete idiot.”
It’s amazing how well-written satire can so dramatically (and clearly) point out the silliness of the young Earth creationist mindset.
I’m sure the Sumerians would have agreed.